Thursday, March 28, 2013

Trade School Rep comes to visit.

Last week, during one of Gulliver's required appointments to job search for the welfare program, he met up with a representative from Wyo-Tech. After which he came back and announced to me that he was going back to school. 
SCHOOL???? Inside I was saying "there goes a few grand a semester of taxpayer dollars so he can sit on his ass and not even go to class..." But at this point? I'll take anything. Whatever, Gulliver. Just tell me what you want. 
Yesterday the rep from Wyo-Tech came (to my house-Gulliver couldn't have any human being show up at the disgust where he lives.) Naturally that meant some inconvenience on my part. I have 2 dogs and 3 parrots. One dog is blind and mostly deaf so he bites when things are out of his norm. The other one THINKS she's a lap dog at 85lbs. They had to be tortured into our bedroom for the visit where the 85+lb English Bulldog sat at the door crying these great sobs and aligator tears the whole time. The parrots think if someone talks they need to talk. The Meyers parrot lets out an ear piercing screeeeech to which the African Grey answers with her own squeak or a woop that is designed to get you to STOP talking and pay attention to her. Which only starts the Macaw to SCREAMING at decibles that don't even register on any man made test. NONE of these birds-even the little Meyers is the size of a parakeet. And they are residents here with LARGE aviaries in my common rooms. I can't just move them all that easily.  
Gulliver couldn't have Wyo-Rep come during the day when everyone is at work or school either. NOOOOOOO, that would have been common sense. Instead we'll make the appointment for precisely the time that EVERYONE is arriving home. And they don't arrive all at once off one bus either. That would be too easy. 
If you had stood in my living room during Wyo-Rep's hour plus visit it was worse than standing in downtown Manhattan during a traffic jam. I am pretty sure when the towers fell there was less noise. Wyo-Rep had a DVD with music that played while you waited between segments. It was supposed to be light background music for Wyo-Rep's speech in between segments. The music on that DVD alone was enough to make me want ear plugs-but that's was the least of my problems. The music set Bailey (the ear piercing Meyer's Parrot) to screeching. Lilly the African Grey MUST answer Bailey EVERY TIME he screeches. She gives out a great screech of her own or a woop that reminds me of a low tuning fork-amplified. She truly hates Bailey and has to use EVERY opportunity to tell him so. At full Volume. Times A LOT.  After about 5 minutes of that Harley the Macaw had just about had enough. She started SCREAMING at full volume. Have you ever been to the zoo and heard a large parrot scream? It will peel the paint off a wall.
BUT WAIT! That's not all!!! At the same time I have 3 teenagers who come barreling in the door all full of happy sauce seeing how they're out of school. Every one of them shouting over the parrot noise to be sure that I heard with all of the things they want and need-RIGHT. DAMN. NOW!!! In the background there is Bell the Bulldog sobbing uncontrollably because her people have locked her in only TWO rooms-how dare they. 
You would think an adult make would be able to come through the house and not add to the problems. I mean he can clearly see and hear what is going on. Not to mention that my texting fingers were fast at work warning him that Gulliver would be having Wyo-Rep at the house when he got home. Nope. Evidently Raknar the caveman thought that Wyo-Rep would be here for all of five minutes. Does that man REALLY have so little common sense??? HOLY DUH??? Do you think Raknar can come home and take his boots off quietly and either sit and listen quietly? OR... Better yet maybe go console Bell the Bulldog's sobbing? OH HELL NO. He has to charge through with his club, grunting and generally adding to the cacophony of noise already at decibiles off the chart. But hey, what's one more noise to add to this symphony we were creating?
While all of this is going on and Wyo-rep is droning on about how he has the greatest opportunity of Gulliver's lifetime.
I am trying to scurry around unnoticed to keep the noise level to at least a bearable level. All 200 lbs of me with absolutely no grace at all. Think Bull in a china shop.  Armed with a spray bottle and treats for the parrots, my sternest MOM look and a bone for Bell the Bulldog, I am running from critter to creature to child to caveman trying to mute everyone.
That's when Wyo-Rep felt the need to include me in this conversation RIGHT. THEN. Um... excuse me? Gulliver has been on his own since he was 16 and if you think ANYTHING I say to that child is going to make a difference in his stupid decisions you are truly delusional. Now, could you please let me TRY  play zoo keeper?
Is there still a zoo tycoon game out? I'd be an amazing zoo keeper. 
I kid you not. Right in the middle of all of that noise the ice and snow on the top roof of the house gave way. I thought the roof was going to cave in. The thunder was so loud you'd swear that lightning struck dead center in the living room.
And all was silent.
For a second.
I was dumbfounded. Struck utterly mute. I couldn't even laugh it was so pathetic. And all of the children who had been shooed off to their respective corners came clamoring down the stairs at full tilt. The thunder wasn't quite as loud as the ice, but imagine 3 mostly grown teenagers charging down the stairs at full tilt. No carpet to muffle any of that noise. Oh, no... with that may animals in the house we do NOT have carpet. All 3 of them want to know (full volume) "WHAT WAS THAT???" Now, I really do want to know this... Why couldn't they send ONE representative from the pack? 
At this point I am pretty sure Wyo-dude was fearing for his life. BUT! He's a professional and kept right on-a-going! I can only imagine him telling his wife about the afternoon's appointments. He's probably standing in the unemployment line after yesterday. I know I'd have quit my job and run for the hills if I were him. He was truly a professional and kept going till the end.
Of course this wasn't really all that comical as it was happening. I was pretty sure I was going to cry at one point and the level of embarrassment was off the charts. I have confidence that Wyo-Dude (now DEAF Wyo-dude) completely understands why I need a very long vacation somewhere tropical. Where there are no children. Or parrots. 
Just wait till I tell you about the Gulliver part of this travesty. The kid really isn't so bright you know... I think I might have mentioned that somewhere in my ramblings about him. 

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