Monday, March 25, 2013

I am Mom! Hear me ROAR!

I've always thought it'd be fun to write. I have tons to say. And-BONUS-I can type really fast!
My life is probably not that different from any other wife, mom, working adult living and breathing in the United States of America today. Well, I suppose everyone is a little unique, but the idea is all pretty much the same. Life is crazy at the best of times and scary as hell most of the time.

I live in New York with my husband, a few of our children, couple dogs, a couple cats and three parrots. Notice I didn't mention HOW MANY children? There's a reason for that: I never know how many live here on any one day. Now when I say I live in New York-NO! That does not mean the city. There is a WHOLE state up there, not just NYC. In fact, I live as far as you can get from NYC and still be in the state of NY. In fact, it's about an 8 hour drive to get to NYC from my house.

Let's discuss those children a little. I've GIVEN BIRTH to four. Now, I am sure you realize that if I have to say that, there's a hitch there. We've taken in a couple of strays over the years, so we consider ourselves to have 6 children. They are as follows: Son #1, 24 years old, married with two children. Stray #1, 24 years old with a girlfriend. Son #2, 21 years old with a girlfriend who has two children. Daughter #1 and only, 17 junior in high school. No, she has no children, thank the heavens. She does have a girlfriend. Son #3, 15 years old. Freshman in high school. No kids-hopefully not for a long time. Spare #2, 13 years old and in the 8th grade.

To complete the family dynamic there is my husband. What can I say? He's been around for 20 years now so I guess he's a keeper. After all, he's almost trained and he has a lot of smiley face days lately. Once in a while he gets the mister yuck face, but after 20 years he's figured out how to navigate around my moods pretty well without stepping in the poop. It's just a bonus that he hasn't wanted to bump off any of our offspring yet. Well, maybe he's WANTED to, but he's never acted on that desire so I think we're pretty good. Lord knows I've wanted to bump all of them off at one time or another. They have made him bald, poor guy.

Here's where I have to give you the disclaimer. Life is crazy, hectic and at times downright hell. I use sarcasm and humor because, frankly, what else can you do? If you let it get to you this would be a mighty depressing world to live in. I figure if I can laugh at it, the world hasn't beat me yet. That doesn't mean I am heartless and that I actually SAY these things to my kids. This is just the reel that runs through my head. In fact I think we'll change the names to protect the innocent in this blog. It might be pretty scary if they ever heard the thoughts rattling around up there.
I like to think of it as a combination of Jeff Dunham's Walter, Peanut, Si Robertson with some George Carlin and Bill Engvall thrown in for spice playing along in my brain. Damn I love those guys!
In short if you find my pithy comments, wit(less) replies and sarcasm offensive? Well, I guess you should move on along because this isn't the place for you. If you want the snuggly, motherly side of me? Come over and visit-maybe, on a good day. If you want to know what's going on inside my head as I smile and pretend to be super mom on the outside? Grab a cup of coffee. It's going to be a long and interesting ride.

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